10 Ways You Know Your Boobs Are In The Drivers Seat

Laserbeamed Boobie Greed at it's finest!

Written by Gia Gotham


1. You dress the 'girls' before you dress yourself. This one is pretty obvious. And it starts with the bra. What cleavage are you daring to bare and of course what top to showcase em in. Even if cleavage isn't bared, it's how your boobs look in the shirt or hoodie. Their lift, size, and projection have to be just right. Your entire ensemble is based off of what your boobs are wearing, the rest follows. Oh, and this is everyday. Not just special occasions or date night. Work, grocery shopping, lunch with a girlfriend. Even priority over shoes or accessorizing. Yup, those girls own you.

2. Your selfies have a reoccurring 'booby' theme. Look at your self pics on Instagram. Now check out your profile pics on Facebook. Anything appear to be repetitive? Shall we say boob-ja-vu? What features we showcase on our signature selfies or with our primary paparazzi pose is what we are selling. Boobs with a side of duck face? Those would be lips and tits. If you're figuring out a way to cram in those jugs and after several shots only taking the most booby flattering ones over the best quality or best face flattering ones then those jugs got your number. You get the idea.

3. Your primary concern with getting in shape is losing your boobs. Getting in shape is a great thing. Lose weight, strengthen and tighten up. So long as those boobs don't downgrade! You even spend the effort to research what sports bras or workouts might preserve what you have. Or the suspense is too much and you opt for only low impact exercise just in case. For the girls. Maybe the whole thought is too scary so you figure as long as you eat right you'll be fine. As long as you have your boobs that's what is really important. Yea screw working out I have my boobs. Besides your main motivation for trimming down was for a bigger boob to waist ratio. See the thought process? Boobs totally own you. They do your taxes. They raise your kids. They tuck you in at night.

4. Your girl crushes say it all. Do they all have something in common? And I'm not counting Angelina Jolie, that pout has a class of it's own. I'm even talking about the girl crushes your girlfriends don't even know about. Maybe you don't even know about. The ones that you've slammed in conversation because you had major booby greed. If these ladies are booby buxom beauties maybe you have a preference. Take some time and think about your double takes, idols, favorite tv or movie actresses. Ones past and present. Ding, ding, ding?

5. You get bouts of 'boobaphobia'. This is where you find yourself eyeing other boobs in the room, or on screen, or on your phone screen scanning Facebook, when you find yourself adjusting your own rack to compensate for others that may feel superior or competing. You know it's all in your head, but that doesn't make any difference. Because you are too focused on squeezing in extra cleavage heaves to get your girls upright, perky, and practically popping out of your bra and shirt in compensation. Some women are in complete denial of this. Which can be most entertaining for a overly busty gal like myself.

6. You have more than enough bras that range in hierarchy of cleavage. You plan your weekends ahead for what your boobs might come across and make sure you're prepared for all bouts of boobaphobia hitting. Even though those jugs are measured for a DD you enjoy wearing a C or D just for the boobage overflow that comes with jamming your girls into smaller cups. But who doesn't. What is entertaining is when asked or when offering your size, it is your truly measured size you give (which is not what you're sporting) and not the ridiculous one you're crammed yourself into that inquiring minds are wondering. Which generally leads to helpful girlfriends trying to offer solutions for correct fittings or bigger bras. Silly girlfriends. They just don't know how to make C's look like D's. Haters.

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7. You sum up women based on their boobs. One look and you know. If her boobs are conservatively kept away in a full coverage bra, average to small size, she probably is very sweet and just one of those good girls. If her boobs are large and maybe popping out of her bra or top, big whore. These are the extreme. Most boob aficionado's are even better at this and go along the lines of summing up based of fake or natural, bra type, etc. Maybe you sum up the challenge or vulnerability of others based on cup size. The larger they are, the more intimidated you are. They know their power. Smaller boobs equal less of a challenge or competition. Pretty interesting how this can work. And men wonder why we can't all just get along. It's a boob eat boob world out there. Rawr.

8. You are a repeat victim of women with boobaphobia. You exude confidence. You know you have nice knockers. Even if they aren't magnanimous you know they rock. With this self appreciation comes one trade off (besides hordes of creepers), dealing with others' boobaphobia. You could be at work, wearing your silly simple polo, or at the Pediatrician's office with your kid. Those jelly (jealous) and judgemental eyes you can't shake off are burning into your chest no matter how much effort you put into ignoring them. You find yourself fantasizing walking over to them and completely smothering them in your awesome chest. "What do you think of my big tits now, huh?! Was this what you wanted? Motorboat me bitch." You also tire of those trying to even compare their training bra boobies to yours by taking off layers and pushing up the bottom ones to help their case. You know the ones. It just gets annoying after a while. You see right through them, and so does their boyfriend. Their desperation and insecurity has a smell and it's all too familiar. Moving on.

9. You secretly enjoy knocking over things or bumping into people because your 'boobs did it'. You get a sly smile when you knock over items off the counter. You say to yourself, "Yea, my boobs are so big they did that." You like making space for them when you're sitting at a table. Or when you're trying to get your seatbelt on. This post is about how you know your boobs are in the drivers seat. You like when you drop your phone or lip gloss and your boobs sound off your horn. You scare yourself but you end up blushing behind a huge smile that you can't hide.

10. You take pride in magic tricks or successful feats that defy physics with your boobs. They are not a bib, they are a shelf. And you enjoy proving this point. Look at how you utilize your shelf space at the drug store. Who needs a cart when you can stock all your make up, snacks, hair products, baby wipes, batteries, and coffee creamer off your boobie shelf. Pretty entertaining the reaction from other patrons while you're waiting in line. Yea, you're Wonder Tits. Or how about taking a shot from your cleavage? If you haven't done this, now you will try it. Normally this is brought up from your classic magic trick of resting all y'all boobs on the bar. Quite a sight from the especially large chested ladies. And with pants pockets ever disappearing, this doesn't present a problem for the average to larger endowed to exceptionally endowed with a great storage/hiding place. "Lip gloss? Lighter? Oh yea, they're in my cleavage!" It's fun at the end of a night to find what ends up in there.